[ Blue Man Sings The Whites ]

Week One proper, then, and if it’s not Monday Night Football in Bengalville! Who’da thunk it?

Our new dominating 3-4 defence is being paid a visit by the team who invented dominating 3-4 defence in the modern era – the bad, bad Baltimore Ravens. Probably the weakest team in a division that also includes those pesky Cleveland Oranges (4-0 in preseason, ominously) and our arch-enemies, Jerome “Satan’s Spawn” Bettis and the Pittsburgh Steelers, it’s absolutely vital that we get off to a winning start if we’re seriously going to challenge this season.

So, it’s a good start when Baltimore just about scrape one first down on their first possession, but can’t manage another, our retooled front 7 stopping the run more or less dead. It’s less of a good start when we go three and out... damn, those Raven linebackers are nippy when you draw them at the start of the season, aren’t they?

It’s shocking, but it’s true... our defence is meshing like a well-oiled machine. Brian Simmons is running the show around the line of scrimmage – he’s here, he’s there, he’s flippin’ everywhere – and when the Baltimore QB can get the ball away, either the ball or his receivers are just getting batted down. Heh heh heh. 3 and out, then, and the Ravens have to punt it away once more.

Four games Marquise Reeves has played as our punt returner, and he’s yet to have a bad one. Elusive, speedy, not so much of a hint of what’s come to be known as Johnson Syndrome – that’s the one where you try to field a punt, make a hash of it and lay the ball obligingly at the feet of the opposition for an easy score. Not even a trace of it...

You know what’s coming, don’t you?

Punt. Fumble. Ravens fall on it. Horrible sensation of déjà vu. 7-0.

Yeah, yeah. Enjoy it while it lasts, Gothboys. Stung, we come out throwing, and we motor downfield with a minimum of fuss all the way to the Baltimore 30. 1^st and 10, and we go for the lot, Dan Graham posting over the middle, getting a yard of space (you can’t cover him with a linebacker, you fools!), Akili launches a rocket.... straight at the safety lurking underneath. God DAMN.  

Baltimore try and run some more, get predictably nowhere, then try and catch us on the hop, rookie QB Shelton dropping back and forcing an ill-advised deep pass toward Travis Taylor, who’s racing down the sideline. Willie Middlebrooks, step-by-step with the receiver, goes up and starts making amends for those two draft picks we coughed up for him. Sweet.

Again, though, we just can’t move the ball. On 3^rd and 10, Akili Smith underthrows backup tight-end Matt Schobel and drops his pass right into a cluster of Ravens who can’t believe their luck. For crying out loud. Once again, though, the defence is there to bail him out, forcing Baltimore to punt again.

I think I’ve worked out why we’re having problems – the quick linebackers we’re facing are cutting off the short pass that is the lifeblood of our offence, and that’s causing us to bog down. So we throw caution to the wind, and go vertical, hitting Peter Warrick on a hitch-and-go pattern that sees him finally dragged down at the Baltimore 5. Yeeeees. That’s a bit more like it! ‘Course, we have to go back to the short stuff to get the ball in, and two incompletions and a sack later, Lawrence Stills gets his first NFL field-goal as time expires. Half-time, BAL 7-3 CIN.

-

3 points in a half. God’s sake. On a Monday night. We're humiliating ourselves in front of millions, and I haven’t even got a defensive co-ordinator to punch. So I punch myself a couple of times, shout at various players for a bit then send them out for the second half. The kick-off return gets us decent field position, and for the first play of the third quarter we try and catch Baltimore on the hop, floating the ball to Corey Dillon in the flat. Peter Boulware steps in front, Akili’s picked off for the third time this evening, and I’ve stopped punching myself and am now looking for a baseball bat. Our defence steps up once again, as it’s had to all night, and restrict the Ravens to a long field-goal try that drifts just right.

Or maybe the problem is that we’ve just gotten away from what we do well? Riding the back of Corey Dillon, we have 10 rushing plays in a 13-play, 60-yard drive that ends with Akili Smith finally doing something right, hitting Chad Johnson on the slant on 3rd-and-goal from the 5. A fluffy pink haze of relief washes over me, and we go ahead for the first time, 7-10, end of the 3rd quarter.

Baltimore stumble downfield, picking up only their 3rd 1st-down of the afternoon, then give the downfield ball another try, more from hope than expectation. Willie Middlebrooks’ eyes light up, he breaks inside Travis Taylor and goes up for his second pick... and misses. Our bench and the entire crowd are head-in-hands as Taylor races away for a 53-yard score. Same old Bungles. 14-10.

One chance to pull it back, then. Luckily, we finally seem to have gotten the training-wheels off the offence, and we mix up the pass and the run on a 70-yard drive that takes us all the way to the Baltimore 10-yard line. And then those fricking linebackers come back into play, their closing speed a big factor in why Akili throws four straight incompletions, and we cough the ball up on downs with less than two minutes to play. Our defence has been massive, but this last ask is just too much, and they can’t quite stop Jamal Lewis picking up the 1 1st down the Ravens need to run out the clock. God fricking DAMN. We’ve held them to 123 yards of total offence – 53 of those being on 1 play – and somehow we’ve still lost. At home. On national television. Final score BAL 14-10 CIN, 0-1 on what’s suddenly looking like a long season ahead...

...

Week 2, then, and an immediate opportunity to make up to the fans in the Paul Brown Stadium with a visit from the Denver Broncos. This is what they technically call a "toughie", I think. Already the media vultures are circling, claiming that last year's performance was a freak brought about by a weak schedule, that we can't get it done against good defences, that Akili Smith's honeymoon period is over and last week's three-interception performance is more like the real him... Whatever. Personally, I'm just keen not to be on the business end of another humiliation, so I dispatch a scout to have a good look at the Broncos in training and report back as to what we can expect:

"This is going to be a big test for the defence, but you'll probably be able to put points on them. With the ball, they've got the Triplets - Brian Griese, Rod Smith and the second coming of Terrell Davis. Ashley Lelie is the second wideout, he's good and quick, but not in Smith's class, and you'll have to watch for Easy-Eddie McCaffrey playing in the slot in 3-reciever sets - he'll catch anything that's thrown in his zip-code. On defence, their starting corners are great, but the rest of the secondary is a bit suspect - partly because we took Willie Middlebrooks off them in pre-season. Steer clear of their left side of the line, attack them up the middle and off our left tackle."

We get the ball from the kickoff, our offence itching to make amends for last week's disaster. We start with two big, slashing runs at their vulnerable right side, then go straight to the play-action. It looked on paper before the game like their safeties wouldn't be able to cover Daniel Graham one-on-one, and so it proves, with completions of 27 then 17 yards on consecutive plays. Denver look shell-shocked, and even more so when Dillon takes the hand-off on a delay and snakes through a crowd-scene for a 16-yard score. 5 plays, 75 yards, 1:30, 0-7. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh uh-huh. And things of that nature.

The Broncos are keen not to get left in the dirt, and mix it up all the way to our 11 - Terrell Davis powering outside, Griese dinking and dunking - before we stiffen, Willie Middlebrooks batting away a certain TD pass on 3^rd down to force Jason Elam to slot the short FG.

Just to prove that we haven't completely cured what ails us, we go 3-and-out, and get the punt returned all the way back to our 30. But just as last week, when our offence puts them under pressure, our defence responds - Denver get 3 yards on 3 plays, and Elam's on again to cut the deficit to 1. DEN 6-7 CIN.

Oh, this is Bengal football, baby! 12 plays, 71 yards, all but 6 of them on the ground. The rookie Marquise Reeves gets 6, Corey Dillon is the workhorse with 6 carries for 37 yards, and Akili Smith chips in with 22, including an 11-yard TD scamper to round the effort off. 6-14, with 2:26 to play in the 2^nd quarter, and it's a measure of how far our defence has come that I'm not thinking that we've left too much time, but rather wondering if we'll have enough on the clock to get another drive in before the half...

My confidence isn't misplaced, either. 1^st down they hit Mike Anderson in the flat, but Andre Dyson is right there to bring him down for no gain. On 2^nd down they get sneaky, loading the left side then sending Terrell Davis on a toss right... rookie cornerback Jon Crane is the only defender within 15 yards, one-on-one with one of the great running backs of the modern era - and he comes up with a fantastic open-field tackle, no gain. On 3^rd they spread the defence with 4 wideouts, but coverage forces Griese to wait and wait, and in the end Keith Hamilton comes smashing up the middle of the line to take him down. We call a timeout with just less than 2 minutes to play, and the Broncos have to kick it away from deep in their own territory.

Up goes the punt, shortish but steepling, angling toward the left touchline. Marquise Reeves gets under it, sets himself, down comes the ball... and down goes the ball. Denver swarm onto it, Reeves is bundled out the way and the Broncos convoy all the way down the sideline to the endzone. This is getting beyond a joke. They go for 2, but Donovan Greer comes shooting off his wing to cut Davis down behind the line. 12-14, then.

1:41 to play, still plenty of time with all our timeouts remaining. Two consecutive plays see our two wideouts drawing single-coverage - Peter Warrick first, then Chad Johnson - and Akili hits each for a brace of 28-yard gains. But just as it's going well, we seem to tighten, and end up facing 4^th and 2 at the Denver 30. Trust rookie kicker Lawrence Stills, or trust Corey Dillon? No contest. And wrong decision, as it turns out, Dillon getting stuffed up the middle. Christ. Then, to add insult to injury, the Broncos sneak 35 yards in 30 seconds, Griese managing to spike the ball with just 1 tick left on the clock, Elam makes the long FG (of course) and somehow we're trailing going in at the end of a half of football that we've more or less dominated. Same old Bungles. Half time: DEN 15-14 CIN.

-

The crowd had sounded pretty restless as we left the field, but to their eternal credit they greet our return like we're the Beatles on a comeback tour. Including clones of the two dead ones, and everything. I don't need to say a word to the team - to a man I can see that they're as determined as I am not to let the fans down a second week running. Our defence hasn't needed much encouragement to get fired-up this season so far, and do me proud yet again - Griese attempts to spread the field then run a QB draw on 3rd down, but succeeds only in getting Takeo Spikes in the face. Marquise Reeves misjudges the flight of the punt, though, and can only watch as it flies over his head and rolls to a halt at our 12, giving me just a twinge of concern...

I needn't have worried. Corey Dillon takes the first handoff and just hammers into Denver's weak right flank, knocking would-be tacklers over left and right. The fifth man to the ball finally drags the halfback down, but only after a gain of 22 on the play, bringing the crowd to their feet and setting the tone for a drive that's as much about imposing our will on the Broncos as it is scoring points. Before long, we're camped at the Denver 29, albeit on 3rd and 8. Akili Smith draws the strongside linebacker with a rollout, then floats the ball over the defender's head to Jim Kleinsasser coming out of the backfield. Deltha O'Neal comes racing up to make a stop, but Kleinsasser shrugs him off like an old overcoat, picks up downfield blocks from Dan Graham and Peter Warrick and dives over the corner of the endzone before the safeties can get across. Nice. Akili misses Chad Johnson on the 2-point, but the crowd are back in it now, and so are we. DEN 15-20 CIN.

But Denver have taken the chance to re-group as well, and their offensive machine is humming. We're stopping them making the big play, but we can't stop them moving the ball. Terrell Davis crashes over from short range to cap the drive off, and Griese finds tight end Desmond Clark on the 2-point conversion. Rats. We officially have a game on our hands, and we're behind again, 23-20.

The offences are trading punches now - our following drive sees Akili Smith scrambling on 3rd and 6 all the way to the 1-inch line, and Corey Dillon coming in to complete the job. 4 minutes to play, and the pendulum has swung yet again - 23-27.

Our D has been huddled together on the sideline, and I don't think it's a sewing-circle that they're holding in there. They come out and just stop the Broncos dead, and are even unlucky not to get a pick when desperation causes Griese to try and force the ball deep into double-coverage. Reeves fumbles AGAIN on the punt, but makes amends by recovering it himself and returning it all the way back to the Denver 34. Nice, but not enough - I've already made up my mind that the kid'll be riding the bench next week. Every time he touches the ball it takes a year off my life...

We keep the ball on the ground, keeping the clock moving and reducing the chance of a turnover. Akili gets 6, Corey bowls tacklers over for 20, we're knocking on the door and I want a touchdown - 3 points would only leave us up by 7, and I don't want to run the risk of messing about with overtime. It's about that point that the officials get bored and decide that they're going to break the monotony up by wrecking my season. Two holding penalties on two consecutive plays move us back outside the 25. I try to pass it in - a mistake, in retrospect - get nowhere then, predictably, miss the field-goal. Christ.

It gets worse. 1 play, Rod Smith, who's had just one catch all day, gets the ball deep, shrugs off Willie Middleton - one of the best tacklers in the team - like he's not there and is gone seventy yards for the score. DEN 30-27 CIN, 96 ticks left and I'm calling the CPU names that I didn't know I knew.

It doesn't end like this. There's no way it's going to end like this. Jon Crane gets a good kick return, back to our 41, and out comes our offence for one last hurrah, and if the crowd were anxious before, they're positively terrified now. 1^st down, and the normally dependable Corey Dillon takes one step too far on his out-route, catching the ball just out of bounds. Don't panic, don't panic... Jim Kleinsasser's number is the next up on the roulette-wheel, drifting unnoticed into the flat from the fullback spot, then rumbling down the sideline to the tune of 31 yards. Huge sigh of relief. We hurry to the line, and pick on their 3^rd corner the way we've done all night, Willie Jackson picking up 9 more on a sharp out-route. No-huddle again, but this time Akili's hit as he throws and the ball wobbles incomplete, less than a minute left, 3^rd and 1 at the Bronco 20-yard-line.  Damn, this is tense. 3-wide set, and we motion Chad Johnson across so that both our speedy wideouts are together on the same side of the field... then run the draw up the middle, Corey Dillon going twelve yards in a hurry. Heh heh. Timeout, ref, timeout! That's the last one, 43 seconds to go, and we're camped inside the 10. Okay. Okay. 3 wide recievers again, looking for Daniel Graham sneaking into the gap behind them... everyone's covered... and Akili goes down, the ball's stripped, Jesus, someone get it! Our guard, Joe Andruzzi, is Johnny-On-The-Spot, and falls on the rock for a loss of 7, but the clock's still running... it seems to take about half an hour to get back to the line, but we're there and we're off again, Akili rolling out left and looking... looking... nothing there, he pulls it down, pins back his ears and goes, angling toward the sideline and ducking out at the 10-yard line - 3^rd and goal with 14 seconds left. This is chaos. Complete fricking chaos. One more play to try and win this one outright, and it's an old favourite - I-Form Flood Weak. The plan is to hit either Peter Warrick dragging across the back of the endzone, or Dan Graham dragging across the front. Deep breath. And here we go. Akili drops back, makes his reads... Warrick, no, Graham, no, Dillon in the flat, no.... damn it...  and here comes the rush, the pocket collapsing, a sack here and it's Game Over... a split-second before Smith has to throw it away, up pops Chad Johnson, sprinting across the front of the endzone from weakside to strong, obviously having lost his marker somewhere in the melee. Akili makes no mistake, and neither does Johnson, up go the referee's arms and up go the crowd! Lawrence Stills adds the exclaimation mark with the extra point, and we're all done here. Final score, then, DEN 30-34 CIN, taking us to 1-1. Phew.

... 

Week 3, our first game on the road and it's a replay of last season's Big Cat Derby, with the Bengals going to Charlotte to face the Carolina Panthers. And scouty-boy fancies our chances:

"Defensively, Carolina's strength is in its ends - particularly Julius Peppers on the left side - and its safeties. The ends make it hard to come off the edge, and the safeties and middle-linebacker will be tough up the gut, so we may struggle to run on this team more than we do most. On the flipside, their corners are very mediocre. Isolate them if you can, and go to the air early, go to the air often. On the offensive side, they have DeShaun Foster - a strong halfback of the sort we often struggle against - and nothing else. Muhsin Muhammed is injured, so they're left with Jon Mike Knight, their second rookie quarterback in three seasons, throwing to a receiving corps that barely rates as average. We shut this lot out last season, and we could do it again this week."

No pressure, then.

Marquise Reeves, relieved of punt-return duties, nonetheless takes the kickoff up the middle all the way to the Carolina 44, getting dragged down with only the kicker between him and the endzone. Things don't get better in a hurry for the Panthers. On the second play from scrimmage, they attempt to cover Junior-Rocket-Man Chad Johnson in the slot with an outside linebacker, and then have the nerve to look surprised when he turns a 10-yard out into a 37-yard gain. A couple of plays later, Peter Warrick bamboozles his cornerback with a post-corner and takes the catch at the back of the endzone for the opening score... or at least, so it seems. The official on the spot rules the catch out of bounds, which seemed to suggest to me that he's watching a different game altogether. I throw the flag, more out of hope than expectation, the replay comes up, and it's utterly obvious to everyone that Warrick's knee went down in bounds with the ball in his posession - so it's a bit of a shock when that's the way the referee sees it, too. It's the first time I've ever gotten a play reversed in the history of anything, ever, and it's the opening score. 7-0.

We constantly look on the verge of stopping Carolina, but don't quite manage it until they're inside our 20. The field-goal is good, and it's 7-3. No shut-out today, then.

They really are good against the run, this lot, but they're so terrible at stopping the pass it almost doesn't matter. On a 2^nd and 14, Akili sees a safety blitz coming from his right, and just delicately drops the ball in behind it, to Dan Graham for 15 yards. 3 plays later, on 3^rd and 13 at the Carolina 32, he does the same thing with Jim Kleinsasser on the opposite side, Big Jim rumbling all the way to the 12. Corey Dillon shimmys down to the 2, then Smith rolls out, sees the wide open spaces in front of him and glides in to make it 14-3. Too easy.

Just as in the opening week, though, one of our corners - rookie Jonathon Crane, this time - sees the chance for a pick and makes a play on the ball, but misses and can't make up the ground as his receiver races off for a score. It's 47 yards, this time, and it's Steve Smith. Steve flippin' Smith. With a 47-yard touchdown. My secondary hang their collective heads in shame. CIN 14-10 CAR

The Panthers kick off, and it's short and wide, Jon Crane, fresh from being shouted at with extreme prejudice, takes it in at the 9. He angles in, watches the coverage team get sucked into blocks up ahead, then swerves out, getting to a gap by the left sideline just before the kicker can make it across to close it up. A last, despairing dive from a backup linebacker tackles only empty air, and Crane is gone for 91 yards and his first NFL touchdown, just about making up for the score he cost us in the previous play. 21-10.

It's just as well, because Steve Smith seems to be mistaking himself for Steve Largent. With cornerback Willie Middlebrooks temporarily off the field, Smith dodges our entire secondary on a 3rd-and-17, a 10-yard hitch becoming a 61-yard score. CIN 21-17 CAR, less than 2 minutes to play in the 1st half.

Yeah, well. The Panthers have lost their number 1 corner, rookie Lester Benson, to an elbow sprain, and with him gone their pass-defence has passed far from the realms of "ordinary" and washed up on the shores of "absolutely diabolical". Just for chuckles, and to show off the tweaks I've made in the playbook, we come out in a 4-wide set and play merry hell with their secondary. Rookie Jason Harris gets his first NFL reception, and it's a beauty, Harris going in, then out, then up the sideline for a 33-yard gain. Schobel, Dillon, Chad Johnson, then back to Dillon as, just for the sake of variety, he takes the handoff and bellys over from 2-yards out to end the second quarter. Half time - CIN 28-17 CAR.

-

Carolina remind me a lot of us last year - a valiant offence performing far above its ability that's completely undone by terrible pass defence. Not that our defence is doing the business this afternoon, either, DeShaun Foster persecuting us on the opening drive of the second half as the Panthers grind downfield to score, Foster getting over from close range to pull his team back within a score. 28-24.

But, seriously, though, that secondary sucks. Peter Warrick over the middle, Corey Dillon up the left sideline... we give them three rushes up the gut to set them up for the sucker-punch play-pass, tight-end Daniel Graham getting oh-so-amazingly-open to open his account for the season with a 16-yard TD. 35-24.

When things are going wrong for you, things just keep going wrong for you. DeShaun Foster runs into a crowd and the ball pops out, strong safety Aric Morris falling on it for only our second takeaway in 3 games. The Panthers offer token resistance, then, with Akili Smith temporarily off the field, Jon Kitna hits Chad Johnson on a fade down the left sideline for 27 more and another score. 42-24.

Our defence, a little worryingly, seems to think that this one's won, a view that Carolina don't seem to share. Once again, they whip down the field in double-quick time, tacking a 2-point conversion onto another short DeShaun Foster TD run. CIN 42-32 CAR. Grrr.

We're not done yet, though. Another lovely drive sees us pick up 20 yards on 4 rushes, while Akili Smith goes 5/6 for 64 yards including a 3-yard play-pass to 4th tight end Sean Brewer for the score. Everyone's getting in on the act, now - Brewer is the 10th different Bengal to catch a pass in this game. 49-32.

For the first time in what feels like a year, someone gets a defensive stop - a 3-and-out, no less - and 17 points to the good with 4 minutes left in the 4th quarter I give Akili Smith and Corey Dillon a well-earned rest, sending Jon Kitna and rookie Adam Smith in to close the game out. Smith looks terrific, but then so would my granny against this D. With 40 seconds to play he gets his first touchdown in the big league, smashing through the dispirited heart of the Panther line from 5 yards. CIN 56-32 CAR.

It's entirely inkeeping with the way the afternoon has gone that despite the fact we're sitting waaaay back in an incredibly soft prevent set, Carolina's third wideout still manages to take 1 play 83 yards for yet another touchdown. The only shock is that we recover the onside kick without, say, a player getting hit by a meteorite or the ground opening up and swallowing the stadium. It's been that sort of bizarre game, and the Panthers have racked up 38 points without ever seriously looking like they had a chance of winning. Final score CIN 56-38 CAR, our season tally moves to 2-1.

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(c) daniel roe 2003